Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
