Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
