Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
