someone threw a dead crab at me
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
