Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
