i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
