hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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