im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
