You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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