Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
