Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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