Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
