I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
