i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
