He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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