I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
