That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
