dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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