$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
