She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
