She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
