I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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