I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
