Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
