I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
