I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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