My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
