If i come over, it means nothing
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
