how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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