I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
