i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
