I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
