No stitches, just platelets and will power
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
