I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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