i used baking grease as lip gloss
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
