Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
We are two peas in an std pod
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
