i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
