Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
