So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
