ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
