she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The struggles of a small town man whore
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
