she woke up with a sticky ear
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
