my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
