I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
