she woke up with a sticky ear
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
