God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
