Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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