And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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