I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
