So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize