FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
