I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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