atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
