I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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