In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
