Sponge bath it is.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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